totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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