tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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