forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
