dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
