im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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