Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
