My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
