So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
