I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
