Cold hands, warm shart.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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