I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
