You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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