i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
