In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
