so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
