All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
