I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
