I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
