I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
