I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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