Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
