i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
