Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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