he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
