areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
