Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How does one acquire holy water?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
