By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We need to get me chipped asap
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
