I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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