I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
