i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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