Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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