does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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