I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
