Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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