I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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