i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
