Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
