you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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