You work out of a Hotel?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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