no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
