Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize