I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
