turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
