How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
