thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
