fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
