They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
