He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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