I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
