so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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