i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
