My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sorry my hands just texted you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
