God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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