I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
