and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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