Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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