do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My balls are so social today.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
