I wish I only lived at night.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
